Dearest friends:

Did this really happen? Probably not exactly. I am a paraphraser and a creative one at that.

After a discussion of expenses increasing, specifically groceries:
“Would you be interested in going in on a cow?”
“Where would we keep it?”
“Dead in the freezer.”

After a friend choking a mouthful of water into my clean laundry :
“What the hell just happened?”
“I dunno! I was drinking my water when it simultaneously went into my nose and down the wrong pipe.”

Regardless, I really did nearly pee my pants.